After 3 years of blogging, I receieved no flamers. The occasional anonymous characters were friendly passerbys who choose to keep their identity a secret. And they offer words of wisdom, of courage, constructive comments.

The flaming started in June this year, after various issues I had with two people, one whom I currently know most clearly as a bastard, a fucktard, an asswipe. Oh and I gotta mention, Mr Die For CUNT. And two of their friends got involved as well, what can I say, birds of a feather flock together.

The second group was a crazy-ass girl who think she's all that and threatened to break my sis's face, and her clique of equally moronic screwed up cunts who strangely resemble english educated twits (trust me, this mutation is disgustingly.. you figure it out)

So the latest anon, guess what, I know who you are (: Your IP's from your school, minutes before you tagged your friend's blog, and you used the same words over here before. Don't you ever get tired, Mr Die-for-cunt? Why don't you run into Daddy's arms? Oops I forgot. Are you still lying that you're selling tickets while you club? HAHAHA LOSER! You're legal and you need permission? That's goddamn sad. (:


In case, no one told you,

YOU GUYS ARE WASTING EARTH'S VALUABLE RESOURCES WHICH ARE RAPIDLY DEPLETING. HELLO, BURDENS TO SOCIETY, WHY DON'T YOU DO ONE GOOD THING IN YOUR FUCKED UP LIFE AND JUST DO SOCIETY A FAVOUR AND DIE?

VANISH! VANQUISH! VAMISH! SCOOT! SCRAM! SHOO!

Basically.. just die la.

O

anyone wanna hear some fun facts?

i just saw my midyear result slip. yeah i only saw it today, evidence of how inefficient and incompetent the school works.

3 Absents. 1 D7. 1 F9.

coolness.

dxo was packed. period. saw shitloads of people, old schoolmates from all 3 sec schools, and different cliques i used t hang out and club with. it was good t see the gardens people after a couple of weeks.

too tired to write, so make do with the song lyrics i seem to find solace in typing mindlessly these days.

why is that sad look in your eyes, why are you crying? tell me now, tell me now why you're feeling this way. i hate to see you down, oh baby, is it your heart is breaking all in pieces. making you cry, making you feel blue, is there anything that i can do?

why don't you tell me where it hurts oh baby and i'll do my best to make it better, yes i'll do my best to make those tears all go away. just tell me where it hurts, now tell me and i'll love you with a love so tender. oh and if you let me stay, i'll love all the hurt away.

where are all those tears coming from, why are they falling? somebody, somebody left your heart in the cold. you just need somebody to hold on, oh baby give me a chance to put back all the pieces. taking your broken heart, make it just like new, there's so many things that i can do.

and if you let me stay i'll love all your hurt away.

tell me baby, tell me, is there anything that i can do babe?

i wanna take it all away baby..

after some time, i finally made up my mind. he is the one, and i really wanna make him mine. i'm searching everywhere to find him again. to tell him i love him, and i'm sorry about the things i've done. against the wind, i'm going home again. wishing me back to the time when we were more than friends. out in the streets, places where hungry hearts have nothing to eat. inside my head, still i can hear the words he said.

think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye. remember me, once in a while, please promise me you'll try. then you'll find that once again you long to take your heart back and be free. if you ever find a moment, spare a thought for me. we never said our love was evergreen or as unchanging as the sea, but if you can still remember, smile and think of me. think of all the things we shared and seen. don't think about the way things might have been. think of me, think of me waking, silent and resigned. imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind. recall those days, look back on all those times, think of all the things we'll never do. there'll never be another day i won't think of you.

xiang xiao, lai wei zhuang diao xia de yan lei. dian dian tou, cheng ren zhi ji hui pa hei. wo zhi qiu, neng jie yi dian de shi jian lai pei. ni que lian, tong qing dou bu gei. xiang ku, lai shi tan zhi ji ma bi le mei. quan shi jie, hao xiang zhi you wo pi bei. wu suo wei, fan zhen nan guo jiu fu yan zou yi hui. dan yuan jue wang he wu nai yuan zou gao fei. tian hui hui, hui bu hui, rang wo wang le ni shi shui? ye yue hei mong wei bei, nan zui nan hui wei. wo de shi jie, jiang bei cui hui. ye xu shi yu yuan wei. lei bu lei, shui bu shui, dan ying wu ren xiang yu wei. ye yue hei mong wei bei, you shui neng an wei? wo de shi jie jiang bei cui hui. ye xu tui fei ye shi ling yi zhong mei.

JUNE

Thinks far with vision.
Easily influenced by kindness. (: true true
Polite & soft-spoken. uh? NO? -.-
Having lots of ideas.
Sensitive. extremely.
Active mind.
Hesitating.
Tends to delay. oops :x i KNOW i'm always late, sorry sis, michie and everyone esle!
Choosy & always wants the best. i'm a connoiseur. i only accept the best! HAHAHA.
Temperamental. Period.
Funny & humorous.
Loves to joke.
Good debating skills.
Talkative.
Daydreamer. i'm very idealistic (:
Friendly.
Knows how to make friends. i don't bite. really ^^
Abiding. nah.. rules are meant t be broken ;D
Able to show character.
Easily hurt. yeah that's where the nickname lil miss emo derived.
Prone to getting colds.
Loves to dress up. what a girl wants!
Easily bored. now you know!
Fussy.
Seldom show emotions.
Takes time to recover when hurt. so don't hurt me!
Brand conscious. i AM a material girl (:
Executive.
Stubborn. more spoilt. if i WANT, i gotta HAVE.
Those who loves me are enemies. -.-
Those who hates me are friends. -.-

What wouldn't I give for a cup of steaming hot Milo right now. ):

But neither Mom, nor maid, nor cousin's home.

And I have no idea how to fix it myself.

HUNGRY HUNGRY HUNGRY.

I know I'm not the only one weary. And who am I to talk, I've spent 3 skiving years of my life skipping classes, prancing happily around, while others study their overworked brains out.

Final lap now. Four wasted years worth of cramming in the two precious months left. Failure is not permitted. This piece of laminated paper, this cert has a price of 20k, hard-earned from Daddy's pocket.

2 As in the pocket, another 4 As left.

I can and I will.


I wonder if you'll keep your promise Win?
9points and you'll drive us to Genting?

The more I learn, the more I long.

So intriguing, such an enigma.

I want you.

If only circumstances were different, everything would be easier..

Dirty jokes, anyone?


What did the wind say to the coconut tree?

Hold onto your NUTS, cos I'm going to give you a helluva BLOWjob.


^^

The withdrawal effects are killing me.

Running a fever, and my nose's racing a marathon as well, BLOODY FLU. A migrane is throbbing mercilessly. Not to mention the sore aches all over.

Poor jov. Two sticks since morning simply isn't enough. ):

People should really not poke their noses into where they don't belong. Interfering irritants, I swear. Burdens to society. JUST DIE LA!

Was late for school, and the minute I stepped in, Melvin T. mumbled some incoherent nonsense about spot checks held in assembly this morning, and demanded to check my bag. I bet it was just an excuse because of my previous smoking incident in school. What, do you get extra pay or something playing policeman? Annoying fucktard. If you have so much spare time on your hands, I advise you to indulge a little in Yun Nam Hair Care. Or Maryfrance bodyline, if you please. Not that it would make much of a difference, but.. they'll do what they can for you yeah? Slight improvement is better than none.

HELLO! I CAN'T EVEN ENJOY MY LAST TWO STICKS OF CIGGIES?

This incident has upsetted me considerably, and that's why I'm home now.

Pfffffffttttttttttttt.

Exhausted, but I can't seem to fall asleep tonight. I know cos I've tried ): Body feels like a sore wreck from the pepertual aching.

Anyway, I've an announcement to make:

JOV IS QUITTING SMOKING!

After this pack anyway, only 2 sticks + the current one I'm puffing left!

The funny thing is, I've never considered dropping nicotine from my life. Cutting down to save on the moolahs, certainly, but never laying off the tobacco totally. Yes, I've gotten more than the occasional lectures on cutting down, (I know, 1 stick every 10 mins is simply too much!), but up till now, not one single person, not even the parents has bothered to me to tell me to quit, everyone knows I'm too heavy a smoker for that.

Until C, the little one :P, tagged on my blog, advising me to kick the habit 100% and rely on alternatives, such as smoking tablets. That got me thinking. Yes, why shouldn't I? Mom's reprimand on how I'm letting cigarettes control me instead of the other way round is worthy of much musing as well.

So yes, goodbye my constant companions, and hello to a healthier lifestyle and a radiant Jov!

Does the outer shell of appearance really matter? I never thought of myself as a superficial person but a conversation with my brother..


Bro, in a bored, (I don't usually indulge in colloquial slang, but in this the term DUH is apt) manner:
Ya. You just like him cos you think he's CUTE. (emphasis on the CUTE)

Me, poofing up my chest, an expression of indignance at this outrageous misconception:
Excuse me, Didi, it might suprise you to learn that I'm not that shallow. I have perfectly legitimate reasons in my choice of guys and CUTE is definitely not a factor in my criteria.

Bro:
Whatever you say.

Me, prepared to defend myself to the last from the unworthy trait of superficiality:
HEY. ___ (insert name of ex-boyfriend) VERY HANDSOME MEH? ___ (insert name of another ex-boyfriend VERY CUTE MEH?

Bro, cynically amused, launching the ultimate attack:
Yeah. Not VERY handsome, but handsome nontheless yeah?


That shut me up.

Like AhLiens would say, LANLAN. Like the People would phrase it, IGNTS.

Satisfied my craving for steak and a little blood with my Ribeye, medium rare. As well as the sweet tooth, with an utterly delectable frosted chocolate malt sundae.

And the tab, with a credit card, not my own. Hehehe.

Bloated tummy, whiff of cigarette smoke in the air, I'm contented, and at peace with the world. :D

Indeed, it is the simple pleasures in life that keeps one smiling.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.


Everyone's been asking me about the latest.. love interest. For privacy's sake he shall simply be known as, L*. Mmm. The attraction's intense, chemistry's sizzling. Y'guys remember a criteria I've mentioned awhile back, rich, cute, great personality, I'll pick any of the two? He fits all 3. Not to forget intellect, charm, humour.. everything. Perfection, but naturally, there's a catch.

Both of us, have a past, a story left hanging we can't let go of. A special girl in his heart, and a certain guy in mine. So all I can say is, perhaps this will lead to nothing, but it's okay cos the short span we shared has made a difference in my life already.

We'll see how it goes, I guess.

Three cheers for the aircon.

Life was pure torture without it, and that's why i say, THE AIRCON IS THE BEST INVENTION SINCE CIVILISATION OF MANKIND.

Spending a sleepy Sunday at home has been enjoyable. Time in solitude, tranquil, if a little lonely. But I can live with it.

Music, cigs, food. What more does a girl need?

A craving for steak, medium rare, with sides of baked potatoes and that creamy filling. Yum. Jack's place, anyone?

Eventful.

Sued a bus driver. Don't ask me the details if you don't want an outburst.

Caught Pirates of the Caribbean, it was amusing, if a little draggy. Depp's potrayal of Sparrow was awesome. All the deep, emotional layers under the mercenary, selfish Captain.

Came home to Mom crying. Dad's blowing his temper a little too much these days. Ktv-ed with the cousin and Mom to cheer her up and I think it worked, but she's sleeping in my room now. After effects were a sorethroat and a little emo-jovvy.

And I was prank-called. WHO THE FUCK IS SHAWN HENG.

I swear I'm **w** obsessed. The guy was like, all my friend wanna do is to meet you. And I shot him right back with an, all Jovina wants is to meet **w** again.

Hahaha.

Y'know, I'm not even gonna try to make things right right now. Cos I'm nothing near perfection and I accept and not seek it, but I feel he deserves nothing but the best. So when I make it good one day, that's when I'll come looking for you again.

I know you're awake right now. I wonder if you'll read this. But anyway.. you needa take care love. Forget the late nights, and at least try to make it to school. (:

Sure, it's cool to know many people. But sometimes, it just gets goddamn annoying. I'm not trying to show off or anything by saying this yo. Ask anyone.

Like, when I discover Friend A knows Friend B, for some unknown reason, I'll feel somewhat.. disturbed. Very curious how they got to know each other and yada yada yada.

And now I finds out Public Enemy No.3 (Okay, for us anyway) knows ANOTHER of my friend (it must be the 123123 one already goodness), I just..

I don't know. I'm going to o2jam now.

Fuck the mother fucking world yo.

I try hard to make it, I just wanna make you proud but I'm never gonna be good enough for you. I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

Daddy stupid. Wait. I mean, stupid Daddy. QUIT PICKING ON ME LUH. I've a good mind not to give you 1/4 but 1/5 of my salary in 10years time. HMPFH.

i know that i'm supposed to make him wait,
let him think i like the chase,
but i can't stop fanning the fire,
i know i'm meant t say no.

Sis is right. I'm so gonna get myself into deep shit playing with fire. I better cool it a little..

But I'm a creature of passion! I follow where my heart lead me!

And he doesn't help by being so absolutely, gorgeously YUMMY. Y'know, I don't what it is, but everything about him is so irresistable. Actually, I do have an idea. HEHEHE.

The intelligent bad boy combination is lethal.. and I'm seduced willingly, helplessly, an inescapable victim to that enticing yet dangeous venom. He makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. When he comes close, I can hardly breathe..

MUST REMEMBER THAT HE'S MY FRIEND ACQUAINTANCE'S EX BOYFRIEND..

I'm still reeling from shock.

I. cannot. believe. that. Daddy. walked. up. to. me. and. ASKED ME FOR ONE STICK OF CIG.

There was a look of resignment on his strained face, and then the inevitable lecture on why girls shouldn't be smoking Reds (apparently, one stick of reds is equivilant to 5 sticks of menthol) because it is too heavy, and that I, a female teenager, should really convert to become a menthol smoker..

Whatever happened to FEMINISM, Dad?

I don't deny I'm seriously considering switching to lights, but it's purely due to aesthetic reasons (like, save-Jov's-skin campaign!) and certainly NOT because ladies SHOULD smoke menthol. -__-

The exhaustion is overwhelming, swirling my thoughts into incoherent images, and paralyzing the body to a dizzy shakiness I cannot seem to overcome.

Perhaps, another fag is needed, though I've just stubbed the previous one.

Speed reading, comprehending miniscule, size 9 text at the rate of 300+ pages an hour is apparently beyond my capability with the elements against me.

The sunlight has weakened my weathered being considerably, as do the constant aching, the insatiable craving, the awakened bloodlust.

And though I remain static in expression, the insides are in turmoil. I do not like this new found conscience, no. It softens me most alarmingly, disturbingly.

One and only solution to satisfy would be to draw first blood. My own.

Stay away for today, it is unsafe, unwise to come close, once the primal instincts break free against my will, out of control..

Unlike Michie, I deny not the presence of God. Instead, I wonder his purpose in my creation. Staring in the mirror at the girl who gazed right back, I let out a bitter laugh of cynicsm. What am I, but an instrument made by his supposedly loving hands solely for his entertainment? Does he get a kick out of tormenting me endlessly? Well, my compliments God. You've fufilled your goal and for that, Fuck You. They call Lucifer the fallen angel, what was he, but merely your accomplice whom you denounced to preserve your saintly image? You're the one orchestrating the show, we are pawns, puppets at your disposal. You had your fun, so when's enough enough for you?

Won't you let me off? Please. It's been 4 years. Isn't it time for you to turn your attention to another, or start doing some good for mankind, for this sea of bleeding humanity?

Or will you only rest easy when I'm on my deathbed? Tell me.


Don't look at me like that, cos you, You have the pair of saddest eyes in the world.


And is the poignant image I potray a fault of mine? The haunted eyes emanating inexplicable sorrow, the mouth twisted in a caustic grimace, the perpetual expression of long suffering morose?

Look at me. Look what you've done to me, then answer me with whatever conscience you have left in your heart, if I can still call it a heart.

Not everyone is blessed with the good fortune of loving a person, and having the person reciprocate the feelings. When one's tangled in a dilemma between the person you love, and people who love you, what would be your eventual choice? To wait on somewhat foolishy with not the slightest hint of hope, or to move on with the one who showers love unconditionally, only wishing that someday his feelings would be returned? I don't know, you tell me.

Direct translation AGAIN, I'm getting good at this.


Hoping, wishing, to no avail for the one I love, I know I'm willing to wait on.
Unable to feel tenderness for the one who loves me, those rare moments decieve no one.
Heartless, I am not, but I actually hurt you so deep, and I can't stand to do that anymore.
Give up your feelings so true, so earnest, the person who has forgotten me.

I can't give up of the one I love, but I know love requires fate and affinity.
Yet I can't let go of the one who loves me, because I know how serious he is.
Why can't a heart so true meet the one good person, I'm not to ask, I'm not to have.
Keep it within, until he turns icy cold.

The one who loves me loves deeply, freely with no regrets.
Yet, I actually am resigned and willing to endure a life of pain and hurt for the one I love.
The one in love is always wrong, there is no point of hypocrisy.
The one who loves me has given it all up for me, but I'm crying brokenheart over the one I love.

Similar sufferings and outcomes for the one who loves, or love,
So why does none understand to reject the passion and love that surrounds?


Okay la. I think I did a relatively lousy job. But it's a good song, really good.

On days like this, I just need to be alone.

Sis is right. I don't really have anything for him. Yes, the one I've been gushing about lately. It's just a pathetic attempt, perhaps, to spice up my life.

And I'm lonely, but I enjoy the tranqulity that comes with the silence.

I need a spark, something sizzling in my otherwise dull, monotonous life.

And I do still miss your company.

Leon's words never stray far from my mind..


i didn't tell you this. but *, is one of the most sensitive guys i know. so stand him up on a date is equivilant to a stab in the back and front.

friendship is too much to ask for when you betrayed it once. him bitching about you shouldn't affect you when it isn't true. so unless it's true, you shouldn't even care.

ha. nasty? it's just a sign that he's unsure. either he's unsure, or, he's so hurt that he doesn't care anymore. hate is a strong word. you don't hate someone, you hate life. but it is impossible to dislike someone you once loved.

slowly find your way back into his heart. it isn't black, it isn't closed. you just need the right touch and patience. love comes with devotion and patience. don't expect him to jump right back into loving you again right after the chain of events that led up to the situation now.


And he's right. I've done all I could, to salvage whatever we had, whether friendship or esle. All there's left for me to do right now is let time work its magic, for wounds to heal. Reaching out once more might only serve to irritate you further, so I won't anymore, but just know that I'll wait for you. It's a promise.

Correction, my dear Michie.

I DID NOT COME OUT OF THE WHOLE SITUATION UNHARMED.

IT HAS CAUSED ME SEVERE TRAUMA AND HEARTACHE.

Bloody hell.

Those bastards are more vicious than the nasty Medusa in my creepiest dreams. I can hardly believe the extent those scheming conniving jezebels can go. They actually DISTORT and WITHDRAW facts just to attempt to beautify their butt-ugly reputations. I say attempt because, losers, the truth always comes out eventually yo? Somehow, some way. And it has. I'm just thankful, or hopeful that A* had nothing to do with the nonsensical, infantile bullshit you guys have been up to.

It's utterly ridiculous and laughable to tell the world that M* was the one who had a thing for you, manwhore. Everyone knows she loves S* with every fibre of her being and you were merely a tool to spite, or perhaps to forget. So, if she was the one who LIKED you (I can hardly bring myself to say the word but anyway), pray tell me, why were you texting her and meeting her all the time? Goodness. All those sweet nothings, did she conjure them out of thin air? I READ HER FUCKING MSGES YO? I SAW THEM WITH MY OWN EYES.

And the other two are just as bad. Lying to innocent girls who have no clue they were putting their fragile hearts into the mercy of a frivolous player. But what irks me the most is you two spreading this mindless propaganda to people uninvolved. Hello? Is there a need to lie to the world that M* was the girl having a one sided relationship with the manwhore? Fuck you.

This whole issue, the depth of it only discovered today has got me wondering.

What have those 3 bastards been saying behind my back? Amanta and Leon both told me that it's virtually impossible for someone to have a change of heart and attitude. So yes. I've heard from more than one person that I've been a constant topic among them yeah. Honoured I'm sure. *sniggers. And I wonder what malicious lies were involved. And honestly? I don't get why I'm the target of them. For J*, sure you need to have your revenge for getting dumped after a day by yours truly, LOSEUR HAHAHAHA. But for the other two, I do wonder. What have I ever done to you?

And I'm sorry for dragging you into this blogpost M*. It just makes me so angry that you've been hurt (thank god you don't give a damn) but still. Why should people like that waste space in Singapore? For fuck's sake. Die, just die. And with all honestly, I think I'll be smiling at your graves.

A vicious action is usually the result of a wounded spirit.

And I will forgive you, no question no blame.

I kind of liked it your way, how you shyly placed your eyes on me.
Did you ever know, that I had mine on you?


Mixed feelings, tangled up emotions.

Why can't she see that he's not worth a minute of her time? After all that he's done, after all the heartbreaking but undeniable truth she's uncovered.. why does she still choose to hold on the way she does? I know you're reading this J. Give yourself a hug from me(:

But who am I to talk? I'm behaving in the exact same way...

You're still the main occupant of my thoughts.


And yes Calv, you're right after all. I AM blogging relatively "weird" stuff about Alwin. LOL.

The consequence of not attending class for close to 2 weeks?

NOT KNOWING THAT THERE IS NO NEED TO ATTEND SCHOOL TODAY. -__-

Boil. My mother dearest is seriously getting on my last nerve.

Don't ask, you wouldn't wanna know.

Fuming in process, bye for now.

I tried my best, to summon the courage to give up on you.
But I never make it, I just can't learn that so quickly.
Even the tears are constantly reminding me, there's no way I can't let go of you.
And the pitch-black night still finds me, hurting like the turbulant waves.

It must be that I'm not good enough, that's why you choose to run away.
Running to the ends of heaven and earth, finding solace in the arms of somebody esle.
Please, whether you're alright or not, don't hide away from me, leaving me wondering.

As long as you're doing well, nothing esle matters.
I won't distrupt your life on purpose, much less be a disturbance to you.
Every night, whether you realise it or not, I'll be foolishly in tears, praying that you'll be well and happy.

One day, you'll see the wonders my love can do.
And I will, with all the strength I possess, find a way to you.

Feel so sorry, baby I'm so sorry.
I never meant, I never meant to hurt you.
Wu xin shang hai, ni ying gai ming bai. (I never meant to hurt, you should understand)

Feel so lonely, baby I'm so lonely.
Do you know, I need you to come back.
Are you alright, I miss you tonight.

Are you alright, qing kuai dian hui lai. (Please come back soon)

Is there a point in being bitter, and turning eyeballs green with envy?

I think not.

I'm sorry Daddy.. We've got enough to live more than comfortably, if not in the luxury we once did, and for that I'm grateful.

Thank you, and I love you.

Here's a funfact.

Did you know, THAT TOMORROW IS A SCHOOLDAY? ):

I wanna go for the chocolate buffet at Fullerton! Imagine a fantasy land like the one of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.. Minus Johnny Depp of course, but still desirable nontheless. Mountains and mountains of Van Houten chocs..

YUMMEH!

I'm drooling just thinking about it.

I'll probably start grabbing like how Mich grabbed fruits off Neng's birthday cake before it was smashed.. HAHAHAHA!

Oops sorr Mich. Everyone has their unglam moments and yours would become a classic in years to come, but you know we love you anyway :P

To those suffering from the terminal disease known as a broken heart, I have this piece of advice for you.

Take heed that this too, will pass. It might not feel this way right now, no, nothing even close but it's true. Take it from me.

Life seemed void of meaning when he left. Bleak, cheerless, empty. Half the time I was crying, and the other half, lying in bed unable to fall asleep, thinking of what we had and what could have been. I couldn't eat for days, and I mean that literally. Whatever I managed to force down ended up in the toilet basin. When I saw a doctor eventually, he explained that the intestines are closely linked to the brain, and when one suffers a severe emotional trauma, it affects the entire digestive system as well. Finally, I was down to anti-depressants and sleeping pills. Then, I was inconsolable. My friends made me smile, but only for awhile. I thought I would spend the rest of my existence in this perpetual suffering.

Only when someone esle came along, did I slowly, but surely get over him. I wasn't in love, no, but his attention flattered me, and he was there to accompany me 24/7. On our first date, watching a movie, playing arcade games, sitting at McCafe just swapping trivia and bits and pieces of our lives, it was the first time I finally took my mind off him.

And now? I've moved on. I remember all I did, all the agony I went through, and I laugh. Should I not? Should I place our love on a sacred pedestal to remember fondly of for eternity? Nah. I was a foolish little girl but thank Krishna, I've evolved, not much but at least to a human being capable of rational and intelligent thought.

What is he, but a boy who missed out on the best thing he could ever have?

In all honesty, on the rare occasions when he does cross my mind, I think of him with merely disgust and contempt. I'm not being vindictive, nor vitriolic. Why should I? I'm just being perfectly honest. Call me superficial, materialistic but there you go. No looks, no money, and a fucked-up personality. What redeemed him slightly was his average level of intelligence, but then, even his cockiness, his arrogance overruled that little piece of good in him.

I should really add that I DETEST GUYS WHO THINK THEY'RE GOOD LOOKING. Especially when they're two steps away from being a hideous, monstrous, Minotaur worthy looking creatures. YUCKS!

But I digressed.

So cheerup yo, everything's gonna be alright (:

No one said anything much, but I could sense the unspoken grimness in the air. A punishment no doubt, of what they probably consider 'dumb, reckless, insensitive actions'. The hostility was stifling.

I'm sorry, but does anyone really put on my pair of pink mickeymouse shoes and at least try to understand where I'm coming from? Do you not think I could just as easily take advantage of his feelings and relish in the luxury one gets from a devoted lover, as well as doing the morally correct thing I've done and thus incurring his wrath and probable hatred?

How is it possible to reciprocate and produce feelings out of nowhere at will? If only I could I would. Maybe the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow I've seeked for far too long will finally be found.

I miss you Sis. Somewhat lost without you. And Michie too. ):


And to you,
It's 4 friends of yours on the list now.
Zhe yang gou le ma?
Lu udah seneng sekarang? Apa ini belom cukup?

Sucha sexy song but Leoey begs to differ.

And he actually thinks Rihanna's Unfaithful is a cheeky song! Honestly. I swear he's so adorably retarded. Unfaithful is THE song for the broken hearted!

So yes, I'm sad not CHEEKY!

This is a pretty much meaningless post, but I just have to whine that he ruined my highly anticipated Pirates of the Caribbean viewing tonight. ):

HE TOLD ME THAT JOHNNY DEPP OTHERWISE CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW DIED AT THE END!

Spoiler! Grrrr.

Leo claims that he need someone to share his sorrow, and I'm the most.. 'YOU ARE THE ONE!" victim. That ass! ):):):

If you're reading this,

I MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH CAN VIC?

Piggy needs her owner ):):):

Have you abandoned me alone in the pig sty? *crwies

I don't wanna do this anymore,
I don't wanna be the reason why.
Everytime I walk out the door, I see him die a lil more inside.
I don't wanna hurt him anymore,
I don't wanna take away his life.
I don't wanna be a murderer.


I'm admitting it, it's my bad this time. I'm sorry. Thank you so much for the unconditional affection and concern you've showered on me this period of time, I wouldn't say love, because it's been too short a while to mention the word. But.. it's just, I can't deny that I'm not truly over Alwin. I still think and hurt because of him. Also.. there is a severe lack of chemistry between us, and I seriously doubt things will work out eventually. Leading you on, encouraging you to sink deeper would only result in you hurting more at the end of the day. And so I'm trying to salvage the situation, by choosing a clean break as a conclusion to this, and offering you my most sincere apologies, as well as the only gift I can offer you, my hand of friendship.

I'm sorry M*, but our conversations always seem to lead up to my newest blog entry. An indiscretion on my side, but on the other hand it's a subtle compliment, it suggests that we are beings capable of intelligent exchanges rather than the fun but nonsensical babble I tend to engage in with many others. Not that I'm complaining, those clowning-around talkfests have the ability to cheer me up considerably. I'm simply trying to put a point across, that I do have the occasional ponder-worthy conversation.

"Now that I've seen through them, and realised their true colours, I don't feel sorry at all losing them as friends. They're not worth my time."

I can't remember her exact choice of phrasing, but yup, it's along the lines of the above.

I wish I can be as firm as M*. Though I do feel scorn and disgust towards that particular group of asswipes, I can't help but remember the good times we once had. Given a choice, I'd wish I never had the chance to see the butt ugly, not-worth-my-asshair (it's a form of speech I DON'T HAVE ASSHAIR LA!) side of them. I've always been this way. Welcome to my life. Rather than face up to hideous, hideous reality, I'd rather shy away and live a life under rose-tinted lenses.

Not for the first time, I realise I have alot of lessons to learn in life.

Y'know, Daddy refused to allow me to wash plates when I was younger. I thought it was highly entertaining and I yearned for the opportunity to splash the dishes around in soapy water. Unforgettable, that priceless look of utter horror on his face when I gathered up the nerve to ask, "What are two maids for? Your ONE AND ONLY responsibility is to study!"

And now Mom has the audacity to poke fun at my chronic inability to do housework of any sort. She's making me wash my own underwear. ):

We were talking about horoscopes. I'm not one of those demented staunch believers who check their horoscope every single morning without fail before brushing their teeth, but yes, I do click on the horoscope icon in Friendster when I sign in, just for fun! Yes yes, I do know that they were written with the word GENERAL in mind, and they can probably cater to every one, but I find them highly amusing nonetheless, and absolutely hilarious when we squeal "HEY THAT'S SO ACCURATE" and yadayadayada.

Michie was going on about how Taureans were faithful and devoted lovers (rolls eyes)(okay I do agree with her, it applies to most Taureans I know but still!) when I chirped "Hey, Cancerians are the same too!"

And she looked at me with this look as though she's pitying how delusional I am. I must have had an expression of outrage on my face, because she hastily compromised and went, "Okay, perhaps you guys are too, but you guys have the TAO HUA YUN thing. Tons of suitors." I know most of you people reading my blog are english-oriented and can't understand Chinese for nuts (I'M AN A1 student BTW, HEHEHE), so I'll attempt to explain.

Tao Hua, means Peach blossoms literally. At least, I think so. It's this pink bloom/flower thing. And Yun translates to luck. So Peach blossom luck. And since Pink is associated with cotton candy, valentine's, love and all things nauseatingly saccherine sweet.. Tao Hua Yun refers to people with an attraction factor like bees to honey. Or girls to babies. You know, the way girls ALWAYS coo and go ga-ga whenever they glimpse little wailing infants on the streets? That's it exactly.

I was about to protest when she challenged me with a 'let's-see-how-you're-gonna-deny-it-once-I-start-bringing-out-names look. So I kept my mouth shut and listened to my music. ):

She calls me a hooligan cos I smoked in the school libary's toilet ):

In my defense, HEY. I just finished breakfast, and was looking forward to a mini chill-out session just surfing the web and reading blogs. And you know. How can anyone function without their first stick of the day to help morning digestion?

I'm fined $50 for breaking a school law ): and HSA will fine me another $30. Money suckers I swear. Mr Poon, my discipline master was most pleasant about it though. Took my name down, had a conversation almost resembling one with a new friend. Didn't even bother convincing me to quit. Resigned, I guess. And even Mr Daryl (the one who caught me, he told the librarian lady to do it cos he can't enter the female toilet or I WILL SUE FOR SEXUAL HARASSEMENT I SWEAR) seemed amused by the incident. "Don't you have anywhere else to smoke?!" After all, 90% of the guys in St. Francis smoke! I'm not too sure about the girls this year though hmm.

Mommy dearest actually LAUGHED at me when I called her to inform her the sad news that I was caught smoking in school. "Very good." in this pleased manner! Mothers nowadays.. honestly! She told Mr Poon that I'll settle the money issue myself. Stinge. -.- I'll probably preserve my first ever letter from HSA (Health Sciences Authority) when I receieve it in the folder where I keep my PSLE and O Level's certs and brandish it in front of my child one day. And I'll be like, see, Granny refused to pay for Mommy when she gets in trouble. So I'm not paying for you too, I have a facial, a manicure and hightea scheduled this weekend! Okay I don't know what's my point exactly, but WHATEVER! I'm gonna be a cool Mom^^v

How apt for this song to be playing while I was typing this post. Check out the lyrics at the bottom of the page.

Only with enlightenment, can there be closure. An inexplicable outslaught of bittersweetness at the most unexpected moment of truth. And perhaps at long last, I am writing the finale to the chapter of Jovina loves Alwin, in the chronicles of my life.

What's done cannot be undone. With certainty I've come to this conclusion, because I've done everything I could to make it up to you with no reciprocation, not the slightest hint of forgiveness. Gotta get over you, there's nothing left for me to do.

Still, it does hurt to think of what might have been, if I only knew, if you only told me.

Often, she wonders if he ever thinks about her, misses her, but she accepts that these are among the many things that she will never know. Of all the possible futures in front of her, a life with him in one had been taken away, and she will never know if it would have held the most happiness, or the least. She will survive, maybe even be happy and fulfilled, but she will always carry him inside of her.

Enough musings.

The clock is ticking, I'm sorry, but I gotta move on with my own life, because even without you, the sun goes on shining, and the stars still glow above. It might be the end of my world, but life goes on the way it has always does, and will always do.

It's time out, game over. Done to one last cry after the fag burns out, and before I leave it all behind, putting you out of my mind for the very last time.


would things have changed if i could have stayed, would you have loved me either way?